Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Children make your life important.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.