Fred Allen

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.