"I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool." — Dave Attell

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.