"People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi." — Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.