“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.” — George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?