“If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt …” — Lisa Lampanelli

I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'.

I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.'

When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody.

I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now.