“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” — Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.