Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.