Author Profile
Emo Philips
1956 • American • Comedian
41
Total Quotes
Collected Meditations
Showing 41 quotesAt my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.— Emo Philips
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.— Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.— Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.— Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.— Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.— Emo Philips
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.— Emo Philips
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.— Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'— Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'— Emo Philips