George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Think off-center.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

The status quo sucks.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.