Groucho Marx

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.