Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.