W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.