"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." — George Burns

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.