"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom." — George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.