"If God wanted me to be a size eight, would he have made Birds Eye Potato Waffles so waffly versatile..." — Grace Dent

No one should suffer my pastry.

I eat food from all over the world for my job as a restaurant critic, so I often find myself craving a plain Barnsley lamb chop or fish and chips, as I'm so sick of sashimi.

My plan, for several years, has been to simply let one year merge into the other, without fanfare, so that the Grim Reaper won't notice me and move me closer to my exit interview.

If I desire something badly enough, I'll buy it for myself; and this thing will never be a Yankee Candle gift set or a book bought beside a shop till that delivers 'The Tao Of Pooh.'