"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing." — Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.