Johnny Carson

The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that.

There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you're going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.