"I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'" — Larry David

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.