"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies..." — Milton Berle

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'