Collected Meditations
Showing 25 quotesNow a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.— Milton Berle
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.— Milton Berle
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.— Milton Berle
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'— Milton Berle
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.— Milton Berle
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.— Milton Berle
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.— Milton Berle
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.— Milton Berle
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.— Milton Berle
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.— Milton Berle
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.— Milton Berle
topics:
Happiness