"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?" — Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.