Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!