“I'm not interested in the what-do-you-do-for-a-living questions.” — Sarah Millican

Everything feels different on Christmas morning because there's nobody about. And if they are, then they're on a new bike.

If an audience is watching you and you're a bloke - it's the same as if you're a woman. They're expecting the same: to be entertained.

I tell the audience bits of my rude life on stage so they don't mind telling me bits of theirs.

It seemed wrong to look forward to watching a man cut his arm off, and especially weird having dined at a carvery before going to the cinema, but Danny Boyle's '127 Hours' didn't disappoint.