Sarah Millican

Everything feels different on Christmas morning because there's nobody about. And if they are, then they're on a new bike.

If an audience is watching you and you're a bloke - it's the same as if you're a woman. They're expecting the same: to be entertained.

I'm not interested in the what-do-you-do-for-a-living questions.

I tell the audience bits of my rude life on stage so they don't mind telling me bits of theirs.

It seemed wrong to look forward to watching a man cut his arm off, and especially weird having dined at a carvery before going to the cinema, but Danny Boyle's '127 Hours' didn't disappoint.

I'm a huge fan of 'Glee'. Every episode I watch makes me that much happier, and I think it should be obligatory for all people to watch it. I just love the joy!

All of my stuff is based on personal stories to back up my arguments. It's not a lecture, it's still comedy. I think a lot of comics forget that you can have a theme but that it shouldn't replace the jokes.

It's probably a generalisation to say this, but occasionally I'll see a bloke who laughs only after he's checked his girlfriend did. I tend to imagine that's a rocky relationship, to be fair.

I might look like somebody who lives next door but I've a dark, twisted sense of humour.

Fancy expensive designer shops are out for me as I'm a size 18, sometimes 20, and I therefore do not count as a woman to them.

I am a comedian. You may or may not find me funny, but the fact remains, that I am a comedian.

Pretty much every comic that you see live is going to be slighter ruder, slightly darker and slightly more scary. But there are restrictions when you're on the telly. I'm not trying to rude it up for live. I just have to restrict myself on the telly.

Because I started doing stand-up relatively late - 29 - someone can shout something at me but it's not going to be as bad as some of the things I've experienced. I've lived a bit.

I got married at 22, which, at the time, didn't seem young. I don't regret it because you can only make the decisions that feel right at the time, otherwise you'll just be cautious about everything and that's no way to live.

I never got up on stage and thought, 'I'll wear a flowery top so I can talk about dark evil things,' but it just so happens that that's the way I dress.

If I write a joke and it works, and it works consistently, that is gold to me.

My humour is a mix of my parents'. I get the chatty, anecdotal stuff from my dad and the filth from my mam, Valerie. She has a very dark sense of humour, I think from having grown up with disabilities. It's a coping mechanism. She had polio when she was eight and has been in a wheelchair for about 20 years.

I'm very protective of my material. And you have to be, because it's very easy for people just to steal jokes.

An audience not laughing is nothing when your husband's just told you he doesn't love you any more.

At school I was the mousey one in the corner that nobody really liked.