"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to ..." — Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.