“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.” — W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.