"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago." — Will Rogers

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.