"You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way." — Will Rogers

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.