Bill Maher

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

It's all been satirized for your protection.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.