Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Take my wife... Please!

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.