Jack Benny

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.