Jack Benny

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Modesty is my best quality.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.