Jon Stewart

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?