Les Dawson

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'