Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.