Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.