“It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not…” — David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.