“I was a Brownie Scout mother.” — Joan Rivers

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.