Joan Rivers

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I will work as hard as I do because I love it.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.