"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." — Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.