“I always used to want everyone to like me, because it used to hurt so much when …” — Michael McIntyre

I don't just like to use punchlines anymore, especially in arenas. They freak me out. There is nothing worse than 15,000 people waiting for a punchline.

I thought I was going to do some cult, cool, late-night interviewing thing on BBC2. But everyone kept saying: 'No, Michael, you're teatime, you're not cool.'

I get looks like I can't raise my child, but I can.

I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.