Bob Hope

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?