Dave Barry

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.