Nikki Glaser

I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'.

I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning.

I started out splitting my time between the Kansas City and St. Louis comedy scenes, which both had bluer sensibilities than other cities that I've worked.

I'm not a bleeding-heart feminist, but I do like to call out that stuff in my act. It's nice when you find a perspective that no one has hit on.

College is good discipline. That's what I learned there: pull an all-nighter, get it done, and get an A. I'm the biggest procrastinator, and I learned how to be an efficient procrastinator.

A college degree was very important for them; it wasn't for me. So I picked English because I'm fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do.

I knew what I wanted to do, so I was constantly working on material once I got to KU.

Make eye contact with cute strangers. Give guys your email. Email is safer than a number, or at least it feels that way.

A lot of being a woman in this business is about how you look... That's not why we're even in this business; that's not what people want from us. We're valuable because we're funny and because we have a voice and a point of view.

When I did 'Nikki and Sara Live,' I think a lot of the comedy got lost because we were always so worried about how we looked, and so was the network.

All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think.

It strikes me as pretty interesting and cool how girls support each other in this business. I've never felt so much support in my life than from my fellow female comedians. I attribute much of my success to some of them.

I just want to open people's eyes to different things.

I've been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid.

Things end in this business. Shows get canceled, or you walk away from them - but most likely, things get canceled.

Up until recently, I've said, 'I don't notice the sexism in the industry.'

People are just so insensitive because they're ignorant; they don't understand, so they're scared of what they're ignorant of.

The transgender bathroom thing - it's just so obvious that people are scared of what they don't understand. It's like, 'I don't want to deal with the fact that some people might have been born in the wrong body.'

If anyone's going to bring about mass extinction, it'll be Donald Trump.

I just got a new dog, so I was worried that he'd hate the fireworks, and he did, but just because he's not a patriot, not because of the loud sounds. The loud sounds he's fine with - he just hates America.