Robert Orben

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.